You might have heard the term "special time" from me or Andrea. If not, it’s only a matter of time until it comes up. Based on our knowledge of child development and attachment research, we know that connected time with adults is something that young children crave and need. Children’s days are often more focused and content when they get this important ingredient. In our busy world, it can be tricky to ensure this is happening, as there are constant distractions and responsibilities to attend to. When children feel safe and seen in their parent and caregiver relationships, they are more likely to confidently engage with peers and explore more in their learning environments.
Even when limited to 10 or 15 minutes, just a few times each week, the benefits are obvious. Let’s talk more about the how, and then we’ll dive a little more into the why.
So, what is “special time” exactly? The intent is to focus entirely on them and what they want to do. This is not about a trip to the zoo or eating at a restaurant together. Instead, let them lead the play activity while you follow and engage with them. So, if they are pretending to be a dog, you go along with that and perhaps even ask, “Am I your owner or am I a dog too?” It’s not a time to teach, it’s a time to immerse yourself in their play world and imagination—if pretend play is what they want to engage in with you. If they choose a book for you to read, or to explore some playdough, that works too! Doing what they want to do is the point of this time.
You can set a timer, and we recommend that you do. This containment of the time is helpful for them and for you. If you only have 15 minutes, tell them that we are going to play what you want to play for 15 minutes, and I’ll set my timer to remind me so that I can go make dinner next. The formality of the session makes it more obvious to the child that you are being intentional, and the boundary keeps the routine intact.
Sometimes topics such as this bring up more questions than answers. You might wonder, “what if my child wants to play in unsafe ways?” or “how do I limit this and isn’t that harder on them to have to stop if they are mid-play?”
It is okay to set limits in special times if the activity is unsafe. We can talk more about this if you have specific examples you are concerned about.
The set timer will remind them when special time is over, and you can wrap up the last part of the play or simply tell them that you need to go do something else now. This might be a moment where your child releases some big feelings, which is an opportunity to express some pent-up stress, and that’s a good thing. Being present and caring while they cry is a wonderful opportunity for children to release this stress and feel your love. This is another area we can expand on if you find your child’s big feelings a struggle to manage—you aren’t alone! For the first couple of special time sessions, you might even expect some upset to happen in advance so you can fit the time into your expectations. As they cry and then start to feel better, they will feel even more connected and safe. If setting these limits is hard for you, let’s chat about that, it can be so helpful to talk these things out and see what pieces you need support with.
When we prioritize this kind of connected time with children, they feel seen and loved in a way that can really fill their emotional cup, allowing them more calm and steadiness, and more resilience when they are away from you.
When children don’t feel connected to their loved ones, particularly their parents or primary caregivers, they can become dysregulated in various scenarios. Dysregulation means they don’t feel safe and secure and often feel upset, angry, or tearful. It also means they are likely to have less self-control. This can show up as what we call “off-track” behavior which often presents like intentional “misbehavior”.
Children want to connect with the adults who care for them. In most cases, young children are actually better supported emotionally when spending time with a parent doing what the child wants than spending time in a specific class (gymnastics, sports, music, etc.). These classes have value too, but if you are short on connection time and have a tight schedule, it would be our advice to stick with connection over an extracurricular class. With scheduling for young children, less is often more, and routine time at home is also beneficial.
For any of us humans, connection isn’t about simply being together. How many times have you spent time with a significant other or a friend and felt like they weren’t really present with you? Children instinctively know when we are focused on them and interested in what they are doing, and it simply fills their cup. This time together helps them feel sturdy emotionally, more grounded. As parents, there is just so much to juggle. If we need to regularly spend a lot of time working with a difficult schedule or managing household tasks, or even attending to our own self-care, this is understandable, and children are very resilient and do adjust to regular expectations of time away from their parents’ attention. But their need to connect also remains. Staying conscious of what we can control and how we can connect with our children goes a long way. Even a shift in ensuring we are looking at them and not our phone as we talk with them can make a big difference.
Short intervals of special time go a long way. When they experience that their preferences and opinions are this valuable to their parents, this translates into how they feel about themselves. As humans, when we feel good about ourselves, we feel more grounded, generally. We see this time and time again with children whose parents have implemented a little regular special time-- that children become more happily engaged and more easy-going at preschool.
Hand in Hand parenting is an online organization where we learned about this method of connecting with children in a more scheduled way. It resonated deeply that this is developmentally an important piece that supports children to thrive. They have a website with lots of articles about “special time.” You can explore their methods and articles there.