Reflections on our Elementary School Panel Night
Each year, Caterpillar Cottage brings together a group of valued local elementary school leaders to speak with our parents. We invite select programs that genuinely support children and families with a developmental lens, who partner meaningfully with children and parents, and offer learning environments grounded in curiosity, respect, and relationship. This gathering has become a treasured and highly anticipated event for our families.
Last week, we hosted this annual panel. Five heads of schools (along with some teachers and parents) shared the philosophies that guide these programs. As I listened, I found myself reflecting on the power of being in a room with professionals so deeply committed to preserving childhood and honoring children’s development. One of the school leaders asked what stood out to me—and this blog captures some of those thoughts.
Rethinking “Readiness” and the Rush Toward Skills
In our fast-paced culture, it is not unusual for parents—and often schools—to feel pressure to accelerate milestones. But becoming an adult is a long unfolding process. Children absorb new skills when they are developmentally ready, and this readiness is not something we can rush without risking consequences. Additionally, children will have ample opportunity to develop all these skills over the course of their elementary years, when they are more ready to do so.
Before children develop the fine-motor strength to hold a pencil comfortably, many parents worry about writing. Before children show genuine curiosity about words on a page, parents wonder how to push reading. These concerns come from a place of love and care: adults see literacy and math as the gateways to future success, in part because our own schooling emphasized these as primary measures of achievement.
When we decide these are the important indicators of successful learning, could we be thinking from a lens that’s too far removed from actual child development? And further, could we be allocating our efforts towards goals that then interfere with other vital and foundational skills for young children? Are we overlooking or even simply deprioritizing other areas that are, in fact, more foundational, more important for the eventual success of our children in life? Could we be unintentionally urging our children towards eventual disengagement with learning?
As someone who has spent 30 years of her career in early childhood development, my answer to all those questions is a resounding yes: rushing early academics can interfere with the very skills that matter most.
Prioritizing early academics in the years leading up to kindergarten puts our practice out of sync with children’s true developmental needs and innate capacities. In doing so, we risk overlooking foundational skills much more central to long-term learning and well-being. And, unintentionally, we risk frustrating our children and could nudge them toward disengaging from learning altogether.
Children are often not developmentally ready for early literacy and written mathematics until ages 6, 7, or even 8 or 9, yet many schools push for mastery in kindergarten. Children tend to be more interested, engaged, and successful once they are truly “ready.” Human beings naturally want to do well, and when new skills are introduced at the right developmental timeframe—when the skill is challenging but not overwhelming—they are more likely to feel competent, confident, and internally motivated. Research shows that early mastery does not predict later academic or motivational success; for many children, the opposite is true. The Tennessee Voluntary Pre-Kindergarten randomized control trial (Lipsey et al., most recent update 2022) found that children who attended an academically focused pre-K program showed initial gains, but by 2nd and 3rd grade they had worse academic outcomes, more behavior problems, and weaker social-emotional outcomes than peers who did not attend. The academically pressured group began declining by second grade and has continued to struggle with lower grades and increased behavior issues into middle school.
Our field has long understood that foundational relationships, play, and emotional connection are far more important than early reading, writing and arithmetic. In fact, early worksheets and teacher dictated activities can and often do work against supporting engaged learning.
Your Childhood as a Lens
If you find yourself convinced that early academics are still necessary, consider your own childhood for a moment:
Did homework feel stressful or engaging?
Did reading feel like a joy or an obligation?
Did you become an avid reader early, or did that emerge later—or not at all?
When did you feel most intrinsically motivated in your learning journey?
Most adults can recall school feeling like a chore at times. Many discovered true academic engagement much later—often when aligned with personal interests, supportive teachers, or newfound confidence.
An Example: Inventive Spelling and the Value of Uninterrupted Expression
One head of school spoke at our elementary school gathering about inventive spelling—allowing children to write phonetically without immediate corrections. Early writers often find joy in “magically” communicating through marks on a page. Interrupting this process to focus on accuracy can undermine that joy and disrupt the internal flow of meaning-making. I can remember learning more about this from my own child’s elementary program, and having to refrain from correcting her as she busily wrote out lists of things to do.
There will be time—plenty of time—for spelling rules. Early kindergarten is not that time. Sometimes late kindergarten or even first grade isn’t either. For many parents, especially those who take pride in language skills, this can be unsettling. But contrary to our instincts, practicing “incorrectly” is not a problem in early childhood; the priority is nurturing confidence and intrinsic motivation. Proper spelling can wait. Children will work to spell it “right” when they have decided that’s important to them, and they are more easily encouraged to do so at older stages.
What Should We Prioritize Instead?
This is the exciting part: children are naturally capable of sophisticated, meaningful learning and engagement long before they are ready for formal writing or reading.
And yet adult perspectives often undervalue these developmental milestones. Play is dismissed as “frivolous,” even though it is the foundation of complex human learning.
Think back to a time you were given genuine choice, trust, and time. Imagine being in a space surrounded by trusted adults, meaningful materials, opportunities to create, and peers to explore alongside—while skilled teachers helped you with any needs, including how to navigate conflict, as an emotional support, and responded with curiosity and interest in your ideas.
Now consider the rich learning that happens in children’s play:
Negotiating complex pretend scenarios
Collaborating on shared storylines
Practicing language, problem-solving, and emotional expression
Testing roles they see in the adult world
Using play to work through questions, fears, and experiences
All while practicing important motor skills in their natural movements and pursuits
This is the ideal foundation for becoming a writer, communicator, thinker, and emotionally grounded human being. Before children can write, they can have complex ideas they want to express. Environments that trust children's voices nurture these ideas long before any pencil is picked up. Meanwhile they are also developing important motor skills, visual skills and spatial awareness, which are all supports to eventual success in writing, reading, and in math. Much more can be said about the depth and breadth of these foundational and appropriate supports for young children.
Trusting Children, Trusting Childhood
When we prioritize mechanical skills over purpose, we send messages we don’t intend: that adult ideas or agendas matter more than children’s do, and that childhood perspectives are less worthy. We find that when we trust more, we follow the children’s interests more, the engagement and benefits are richer. Children build confidence and more easily share their unique selves with us when we trust their capacity to explore, collaborate, innovate, and express their evolving selves.
This work often feels radical because it resists the hurried pace and achievement pressures of our culture. Yet it is deeply aligned with decades of child development research.
If we want thoughtful children, we must be thoughtful in how we interact with them. Children know when adults care to understand and support them. Think back to your favorite teachers and why you felt supported by them.
The elementary schools that were invited to this important evening of sharing with parents:
Influential Psychologists & Educators
Jean Piaget
Field: Developmental psychology; cognitive development
Notable Works:
The Language and Thought of the Child
The Origins of Intelligence in Children
The Construction of Reality in the Child
Developed the stages of cognitive development
Carl R. Rogers
Field: Humanistic psychology
Notable Works:
On Becoming a Person
Freedom to Learn
A Way of Being
Pioneer of person-centered therapy and student-centered education
John Dewey
Field: Philosophy; education; pragmatism
Notable Works:
Democracy and Education
Experience and Education
How We Think
Father of progressive education and experiential learning
Magda Gerber
Field: Infant development; early childhood education
Notable Works:
Your Self-Confident Baby (with Allison Johnson)
Founder of RIE® (Resources for Infant Educarers) philosophy
Alfie Kohn
Field: Education; social psychology; intrinsic motivation
Notable Works:
Punished by Rewards
Unconditional Parenting
The Schools Our Children Deserve
Major critic of behaviorism, extrinsic rewards, and traditional schooling
Tina Payne Bryson
Field: Psychotherapy; parenting; interpersonal neurobiology
Notable Works (with Daniel J. Siegel):
The Whole-Brain Child
No-Drama Discipline
The Power of Showing Up
Daniel J. Siegel
Field: Psychiatry; interpersonal neurobiology
Notable Works:
The Developing Mind
The Whole-Brain Child (with Bryson)
Mindsight
Co-founder of the field of interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB)
Rheta DeVries and Betty Zan
Field: Early Development Education and Developmental Psychology
Notable Works:
Moral Classrooms, Moral Children
Developing Constructivist Early Childhood Curriculum
Practical how-to guidance for the planning and implementation of constructivist and socio moral early education environments.
Mona Delahooke
Field: Clinical psychology; neurodevelopment
Notable Works:
Beyond Behaviors
Brain-Body Parenting
Focuses on regulation, neuroception, and trauma-informed practice